Imagine that your libido is not a “for life characteristic” but a pulse: sometimes it speeds up, sometimes it slows down. One week you may be fantasising about sex on the bus, and a few days later the very word “intimacy” makes you want to wrap yourself in a blanket and talk to no one. Nothing is “broken” in you – very often this is simply how the hormonal cycle speaks.

The menstrual cycle changes the background every day: your level of energy, sensitivity, mood and attitude to your own body. Along with this, libido naturally changes too. In this article we will look at how hormones influence desire during the month, why “normal” libido is not a straight line but a living wave, and how to learn to live in partnership with your cycle instead of fighting it.

Why does libido change throughout the menstrual cycle?

Libido is often imagined as a “trait” of a person: either she is “sexually active” or “cold”. In reality, desire is more like a wave that rises and falls depending on what is happening with the body and the nervous system.

Libido is influenced by hormones, sleep, stress level, emotional closeness in the couple, upbringing, health status, previous illnesses and even the seasons. In a cyclical body the menstrual cycle is added on top of this, and each of its phases changes the background: energy, mood, sensitivity and self-perception.

At the same time the cycle does not always look like the “perfect” 28 days from a textbook. It can be 24 or 35 days long, sometimes becoming irregular – for example after childbirth, during breastfeeding, with a sharp change in weight, in perimenopause or when using hormonal contraception. All this affects how and when desire appears.

That is why the question “why don’t I want sex as often as last month” is in itself incorrect. A better one is: “what is happening now with my body, cycle and life that my desire looks exactly like this?”. This question brings you back to reality instead of to the imaginary “normal woman from the advert” who “always wants sex”.

How do menstrual cycle hormones affect libido?

The menstrual cycle can be roughly divided into several phases. In each of them the balance of oestrogen, progesterone, testosterone and other hormones changes. They cooperate with the nervous system, affect blood vessels, mucous membranes and the level of energy. The brain seems to receive signals: “now it is good for activity and intimacy” or “now it is better to reduce the load and rest”.

If we simplify a lot:

  • Oestrogen is often associated with a feeling of activity, vitality and interest in the world and in oneself. When it rises, many people feel more strength and find it easier to connect with their own desire.
  • Progesterone emphasises “soothe, slow down”: for some it brings a feeling of a soft brake, but for others it provokes fatigue, sleepiness and irritability.
  • Testosterone, present in smaller doses than in men, also exists and can influence sexual drive, concentration and drive.

These are not “puppet-master hormones” that control you instead of you, but rather part of an overall system. However, when we talk about libido in the context of the cycle, it is important to remember: the body is not obliged to want the same thing on days with a different hormonal background.

Libido in the follicular phase: what happens to desire?

The follicular phase starts on the first day of menstruation and lasts until ovulation. In the first days many people feel tired, uncomfortable, in pain and want silence and minimal contact. This is logical: the body spends resources on the very process of menstruation.

Then the level of oestrogen gradually rises: there is more energy, it is easier to concentrate, the mood improves. Some people notice that in the middle of this phase:

  • it is easier to accept their reflection in the mirror;
  • they become interested in clothes, make-up and their appearance;
  • they want more social contact, flirting and light jokes.

Against this background, libido often slowly grows together with the feeling “I am coming back to life after my period”. But the speed of this “revival” is different for everyone: some feel the changes very clearly, while others hardly notice them.

Libido during ovulation: why do many people want sex more?

Ovulation lasts for a short time but for many it becomes the period of the most vivid sensations. Oestrogen peaks and sometimes testosterone rises too. The body may react in the following ways:

  • natural lubrication increases;
  • sensitivity to touch grows, especially in the breast and genital area;
  • sexual fantasies appear more often;
  • it becomes easier to say “yes” to a partner’s initiative or to initiate intimacy yourself.

Some people describe this as a period when “I feel alive and beautiful”, when they want to look at themselves closely, wear what emphasises their figure and play with their own attractiveness.

At the same time not everyone experiences a bright “ovulation peak”. For some these changes are very soft, almost invisible. For others there is so much stress or chronic fatigue in the background that signals from the body are lost. This does not mean that something is wrong with you – it is just the combination of your hormones, life context and nervous system.

Libido before the period and in PMS: what changes?

After ovulation the luteal phase begins. The body produces more progesterone. For some this is a time of relative calm, for others a period of fatigue, sleepiness, mood swings and classic PMS.

In this period many people notice that:

  • they more often want to hide under a blanket than to experiment in sex;
  • the body feels swollen, uncomfortable, “not right”, clothes suddenly “fit differently”;
  • sensitivity to criticism increases and there is a desire to communicate less;
  • interest in activity, including sexual activity, goes down.

Some people’s libido drops sharply during PMS, for others there are, on the contrary, waves when they want more touch and intimacy, but “without the obligation to be perfect or active”. There is no single scenario here either. If you add cramps, bloating, headache and other premenstrual symptoms, it becomes clear why libido often shifts in the direction of “I want warmth and understanding but not necessarily sex”.

How do the phases of the cycle affect sensitivity and mood?

If you look at the month as a whole, you can see an approximate trajectory of the wave of desire.

  • Menstruation. Because of fatigue, pain and discomfort, libido often decreases. For some any touch at this time feels excessive, and for others sex, on the contrary, helps to relax the muscles and reduce tension. For some the breasts become sore and any stronger contact is unpleasant – and this is normal. There is no “right” option here; the main thing is to listen to your body rather than to checklists.
  • The beginning of the follicular phase. The feeling of vitality gradually returns. It is easier to tune in to flirting, tenderness and cuddling. Some notice that at this time they like softer touch, slower rhythms and more foreplay. Libido may slowly grow together with the feeling of having more resources.
  • Ovulation. For some people this is where the strongest desire for intimacy appears, with more spontaneity, sensitivity and interest in sex. The map of erogenous zones can also change: what is usually “neutral” suddenly becomes more pleasant. For others ovulation almost goes unnoticed – and that is normal too.
  • The luteal phase and PMS. Progesterone, stress and accumulated fatigue can shift the focus from “I want sex” to “I want to be left alone”. Many people at this time need not passion but caring, cuddles and the right to do nothing. Sensitivity may change too: for some intense touch becomes uncomfortable, but light massage, warmth and contact through fabric are more pleasant.

This is only a basic scheme. In real life the cycle can be longer or shorter than the “school” 28 days, sometimes irregular; it is influenced by hormonal contraception, perimenopause, breastfeeding and chronic illnesses. Your experience does not have to match the average textbook description – it is important to look at your own patterns rather than at an abstract norm.

If you want to understand your wave of libido better, you can run a small experiment: for 2–3 months note in a diary or app the day of the cycle, your level of desire from 1 to 5, your general mood and level of fatigue. After just a few weeks you will most likely see your repeated moments of rise and fall – and this will become a support rather than a reason for self-criticism.

Woman marking menstrual cycle phases and level of libido in a journal

Low libido: why the reason is not always hormones

When libido changes, we really want to find one reason: “it’s definitely hormones”. But the body does not live in a lab. Desire is influenced by everything that is happening around.

  • Stress and overload. When the day looks like an endless to-do list, the brain is switched into survival mode. The body chooses safety, deadlines, children and household tasks rather than sexual signals. A tense, exhausted nervous system simply has no resources for arousal.
  • Quality of the relationship. Resentments, unspoken expectations and conflicts that have lasted for years can mute desire more strongly than any hormonal dip. It is hard to want intimacy with someone next to whom you feel unheard or constantly guilty.
  • Body image and shame. If phrases like “my stomach is ugly” or “these legs are shameful to show” sound in your head, it is very difficult to relax in bed. The nervous system remains tense, as if you are being judged, even if your partner never said anything like that.
  • Medication and contraception. Some medicines can influence libido and sensitivity. Sometimes it is enough just to notice the moment: “before these pills/this IUD everything was different” – and discuss it with your doctor.
  • Upbringing and previous experience. Messages like “less desire, more shame”, traumatic experiences and shaming of sexuality can influence for a long time how safe intimacy feels, even in adult life.

Sex educator Emily Nagoski describes desire as a combination of an “accelerator” and “brakes”: some things in life can increase drive, and others press all the brakes of the nervous system at once. In a situation with lots of stress, conflicts, fatigue and shame, it is natural that the brakes work harder than the gas. This is not your fault and not a character defect but a typical reaction to an overloaded context.

Therefore, when you notice that your libido has changed, it is worth looking wider: not only at the day of the cycle but also at how you live, sleep, rest, who is next to you and how they treat you. Sometimes it is enough to take several small steps – shift some of the household tasks, agree on quiet time in the evening, reduce the number of “obligatory” social contacts – so that the body has space at least to notice its own desires.

Libido, sleep and the nervous system: how lack of sleep reduces desire

Sex is not only about hormones but also about the state of the nervous system. To want intimacy, the brain needs to feel at least a minimal level of safety. If you constantly do not get enough sleep, go to bed overloaded, fall asleep with your phone in your hands and your head full of unresolved tasks, it is hard for the body to switch to pleasure mode.

When the body lives in chronic over-activation – lots of caffeine, constant news, work chats late into the night, evening series “until the last episode” – libido often drops not because something is “wrong” with you, but because there are no resources. The nervous system does not understand that the day is already over: for it you are still “at work” or “in danger”. In such conditions desire switches on much more slowly.

It is useful to ask yourself: “What does my last hour before sleep look like?”. If it contains only scrolling feeds, messaging, finishing food and work tasks, the body may simply lack a transition between “I’m working” and “I’m resting”. Sometimes the first step towards caring for libido is not trying to “force yourself to want”, but gently reorganising the evening: dimming the lights, putting gadgets away at least 30–40 minutes before sleep, doing something for the body (shower, stretching, cream, massage) and letting yourself feel that the day has really ended.

We look in detail at how sleep is related to the nervous system, stress and evening ups and downs in our big guide on sleep and the nervous system. If you feel that your libido changes together with the quality of your sleep, it may be helpful to return to the article sleep and the nervous system and look at your evening routine from a new angle.

How not to put pressure on yourself when sexual desire goes down?

Often it is not the absence of desire itself that hurts the most, but how we explain it to ourselves: “I am broken”, “I am frigid”, “it is impossible to live with me”, “I am disappointing my partner”. Such thoughts increase anxiety, and anxiety dampens libido even more.

What can help change the approach:

  • Accept cyclicity as normal, not as a failure. If you have a menstrual cycle, it is logical that desire changes together with your physical state. Waves are natural; they do not mean a breakdown. You are not a robot that has to produce the same level of desire every day.
  • Separate your own value from sexual activity. You do not become better or worse because of the number of sexual contacts. Libido is not an assessment of you as a partner, but the state of the body and nervous system in a specific period. People stay together not because they “always want sex”, but because there is support, respect and tenderness in the relationship.
  • Ask yourself: “What does my body want right now?”. Sometimes the answer is sex. Sometimes it is cuddling, touch or watching a series together. And sometimes it is silence and the opportunity not to interact with anyone. All these options are legitimate. When you allow yourself an honest answer, the nervous system receives a signal of safety rather than coercion.
  • Allow yourself a gentle “no”. You can say: “I really value you and our closeness, but right now I feel tired. Cuddling and just lying together would work for me.” This is not rejecting your partner, but caring for both yourself and the relationship. It is important that there is both a “no” to sex and a “yes” to the relationship.

As a small experiment you can try, for a week, to ask yourself every evening one question: “What today was an act of care for me?”, and at least once choose not “what is right” but “what makes it easier for me to breathe”. Such a tiny shift sometimes changes the background much more than attempts to forcibly “tune up” libido.

How to talk with your partner about libido and the menstrual cycle?

For many people, talking about sex is still associated with shame. Because of this, the topic of libido often turns into silence, hints or quarrels. But the nervous system feels much calmer when difficult topics are brought into a gentle dialogue.

Partners calmly discussing changes in libido related to the menstrual cycle

  • Talk about yourself, not about your partner’s mistakes. Instead of “you are constantly demanding sex from me”, you can say: “when I am tired or in pain, it is hard for me to switch to intimacy, even though I like you very much”. In this way you explain your state instead of attacking.
  • Explain cyclicity. You can show it on a calendar: “On these days it is easier for me to tune in to sex, and here I usually feel more tired and in pain and need a different format of intimacy.” This helps your partner stop perceiving refusals as “I am not wanted at all” and see the wider context.
  • Offer alternatives. If you do not want sex now but still want to stay close, you can agree on a massage, a shared bath, a conversation before sleep, cuddling or a walk together. Intimacy is not limited to penetration. When you offer an alternative, your partner hears not a door slamming, but another way to be together.
  • Agree on a “language of anxiety”. Sometimes one partner perceives any “no” as a threat to the relationship. In this case it is useful to say directly: “When I say ‘no sex today’, I am not saying ‘no to you’. If this triggers fear in you, let’s talk about this fear separately.”
  • Remember that you are on the same team. The goal of the conversation is not to find the guilty one, but to understand how both of you can feel safer and more comfortable in the relationship, taking into account the cycle, stress and real life. This is not a court, but joint planning.

Psychotherapist Esther Perel writes that love tends towards closeness, while desire needs a bit of space and distance from which you can see each other anew. If there is neither rest nor at least minimal personal territory in your life, sometimes there is simply no room for desire to unfold – and this is not about a bad character, but about the conditions in which the relationship lives.

When is low libido a reason to see a doctor or a psychologist?

Cyclical changes in libido are not a problem in themselves. But there are situations when it is worth not staying alone.

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  • Desire has dropped sharply or disappeared for a long time and this worries you a lot.
  • There is strong pain during sex or menstruation that cannot be ignored.
  • Unusual discharge or other symptoms that were not there before have appeared.
  • Alongside problems with libido you notice signs of anxiety or depression: insomnia, apathy, loss of interest in things that used to bring joy.
  • Past traumatic events related to intimacy are still painfully echoed in the body and in thoughts.

In such cases you can start with a gynaecologist or family doctor: check your general health, hormonal background and discuss medication and contraception. In parallel or afterwards, a conversation with a psychologist or psychotherapist can also be helpful – especially if you feel shame and anxiety or find it difficult to talk about your boundaries and desires.

This text is just one fragment of a broader conversation about how the nervous system, relationship experience and hormones influence intimate life. In a big article “Sex, the nervous system and intimacy” we will bring together what happens to the body when we strive for safety and tenderness but at the same time want to keep desire. And in the material “Stress, anxiety and sex: why desire disappears when we are tired” we will talk in more detail about situations where exhaustion, deadlines and anxiety come to the foreground.

Psychotherapeutic literature often describes sex as a space that you enter alone and with another person, and not as a “performance that must be carried out without mistakes”. This is a helpful guide when you feel tempted to evaluate yourself by the amount of sex rather than by the quality of connection and the feeling of safety. You can start small: this evening ask yourself what your body really wants – sleep, cuddles, silence or sex – and allow yourself to choose the option that supports you the most right now.